Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Steve Albini Facts

Steve Albini doesn't need microphones to record hit records. He listens carefully, then he writes it all down.

Steve Albini doesn't need name brand equipment to make hit records. All he needs is a ball of copper and an electrical outlet.

Steve Albini doesn't need a lathe to cut records. His can draw waveforms free-hand.

Steve Albini doesn't need a tuner for his guitars when playing on hit records. His guitars are not out of tune.

Steve Albini doesn't need an instrument to calibrate his tape decks for he can sing 1000 hertz.

Steve Albini invented Big Black. In fact, he invented the entire
spectrum of visible light.

Steve Albini's physique is actually massive. His public image is a cover he uses to lure his enemies into a false sense of security.

Steve Albini didn't use a drum machine in Big Black. He produced the beats by conjuring the power of thunder through his guitar.

On a cruise with his girlfriend Steve Albini made an amplifier out of two mattresses and a pitcher of Sangria. It sounds amazing.

Shellac is not allowed to play Los Angeles as Steve Albini's guitar tone would cause California to fall into the ocean.

Some people say that there was no good music before Steve Albini. We call those people enlightened.

Steve Albini can turn copper into gold.

Steve Albini doesn't need to shower. Every morning Bob Weston licks him clean.

Before meeting Steve Albini, Dave Grohl played drums like Ringo Starr.

Steve Albini is the reason why Connor Oberst is so sad.

Steve Albini can disguise his body in the shape of a plane and overthrow rogue nations. With his charm.

Steve Albini's glasses are really windows into your soul.

Steve Albini singlehandedly invented the process of recording sound to tape 35 years before he was born.

Steve Albini can balance the nation's budget with a calculator watch and a bottle of jim bean. Unfortunately he does not drink.

Chicago style deep dish pizza was invented when Steve Albini's kick drum sound punched craters in the dough.

Inside Steve Albini's ears are another set of ears.

God paid Steve Albini points on the creation of the universe.

Steve Albini was sent into the desert with nothing but a shaving razor. Four days later he returned with the master tapes for Atomizer.

Steve Albini has his own currency. It's a penny with his head on side and the word BAD on the other side.

Steve Albini drinks crude oil and pisses kerosene.

Steve Albini ejaculates 12AX7s.

All of Steve Albini's thoughts are recorded directly onto a Studer A820 and may only be converted to vinyl by analogue mastering.

Steve Albini fucked your girlfriend once. Maybe twice, he can't remember.

God wrote a song called "Prayer to Steve Albini."

Steve Albini doesn't rip off the Chuck Norris Facts. They were originally about him, but it would cost extra to use his name.

18 comments:

Curdo said...

Steve Albini once lived inside a goat carcass for 30 days to study the acoustics of an empty goat carcass.

J Frank Parnell said...

Steve Albini fucked pac-man

J Frank Parnell said...

Steve Albini likes to shake a baby pig and pretend he's recording Sunset Rubdown.

Jim said...

Steve Albini created a microphone from baby panda hair and Terry Kath's appendix, and it makes anyone who uses it sound like the voice of God.

Mr. Tapeworm said...

Steve Albini wrote and recorded every song released in 1972.

Mr. Tapeworm said...

Steve Albini recorded the first Pixies record with a coconut and three green Jujubes.

Mr. Tapeworm said...

John Hinckley did not shoot Ronald Reagan. Steve Albini's guitar did. Albini promptly raped and burned the guitar for failing to kill Reagan.

J Frank Parnell said...

Steve Albini flosses with a garrote

J Frank Parnell said...

If you invite Steve Albini to your party, he'll palm-massage your mom's tits and poop in your dishwasher

Mr. Tapeworm said...

Steve Albini's penis is made from the component parts of a Schoeps 221b microphone.

Boombats said...

The Periodic Table symbol for aluminum is Al; this is short for Albini.

Anonymous said...

This is really stupid. And not at all funny.

Anonymous said...

Steve Albini is sleeping in your bed right now, so STFU

Anonymous said...

Steve Albini's penis is actually an SM57, which he only uses to record snare drums.

Anonymous said...

Rapeman was named after a Japanese comic. What Steve didn't know was that the comic was actually a biographical account of his own life.

Tumor said...

Steve Albini is in talks to write and produce music to accompany the uncoming appocolypse in 2012.

Anonymous said...

This has to be the lamest thing I've ever seen.

FAIL.

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